The Fast

It occurred to me, that when I have gotten the flu or a cold.  I loose my appetite, and my recovery has been the fastest when I retreat and don't eat anything, even if its for a couple days.  When I force food down my throat as suggested by those hoping to help, I don't get better as fast.   When animals get sick they stop eating for a few days.

It became clear that fasting is our built-in doctor.  Two months ago I started to fast for 24 hours a day, one day a week.  Only water.  And then a few days ago, I completed a week long fast.  Only water.

Day 1 - easy, since I have been practicing.

Day 2 - Hunger pang central - I would have eaten my willpower.

Day 3 - Weak, no energy.  I hunkered down and watched movies all day.

Day 4 - Brilliant - strong yoga, a nice walk, and very productive all around.

Day 5 - Weak again.  Laid low

Day 6 - I felt fine.  Started with a strong yoga, and ran my errands.  Not hungry at all.  

Day 7 - I felt different.  Enough energy to have a normal day.  Started to eat very liquidy light food.

What a week.  Clearly food is not as essential as I would have thought, so its safe to ignore cravings.  Cravings don't mean we need food, cravings mean that I need to satisfy a habit.  Its really amazing how conditioned we are to eat, and what we eat.  At the risk of projecting, I would say that what we do between eating is simply to kill time.  Thats probably a bit of an overstatement, but going a few days without food it certainly seems possible.  It also seems that the line between emotion and food is not dotted but quite bold.  Even in the case of routine meals.  Our bodies and mind know a meal is coming and it changes accordingly, in anticipation.

All things considered, including those not considered...fasting provides tremendous mental clarity.  Going forward if I know that if I am embarking on a project or have to make an important decision...I will first fast for a couple of days.  

Fasting is a portal into a higher level of consciousness. 

The Tumor

After 6 weeks of Chemo and Radiation, and 6 months of radical diet and lifestyle change..."The tumor has not responded that well" - the words of a surgeon after a very thoughtful DRE (digital rectal exam) and digital does not refer to electronic.  This is coming from a person who was not privy to any of my past scans or exams, just what I told him.  He is suggesting that if the tumor is about 3cm, and if that was it size 6 months ago, then its still there.  Its time to remove it!

What terrible news.

But wait, what great news!! The tumor has not gotten bigger.  The CT scan couldn't see it, and only a couple of digits can feel its mass.  Its not bleeding.  It has not gotten bigger.  The cancer cells are living but they are not multiplying...the thing that cancer does best.  Its almost as if the combination of chemo and radiation and diet and meditation overall lifestyle change, has helped this body and brain start to come into homeostasis.  Phase One is complete.

Phase two begins - Diet, rest, remove tumor, more chemo, meditation, laughing, dancing, surfing, loving, back to work....and pilgrimage.  Lets start phase two right where phase one left off and take it from there.  "Every 10,000 mile journey starts with one step."

Tweet from Cerulli

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Existential struggle between Bauer and the silence.

Bauer, Jack Bauer from the show 24 last week. Each night we would get sucked into the nail biting drama and then turn off the lights and drift off to a fretful sleep. Watching 24 is so much fun, and I couldn't wait to do it again the next night.  Last night we sat in silence with some opera playing in the background, soft enough so we could hear the nocturnal insects ramping up their evening orchestra, and loud enough to lull us into peaceful contemplation. The starkest of contrasts. 

Today Philipa reflects...."the existential struggle between Bauer and the silence." What's the struggle?

With 20/20 hindsight, I would take the silence(in the form of bugs and opera). However I know the addictive pull of fun TV. It is mind numbing, and feels like a good massage, mind numbing nonetheless. And I look forward to opening Hulu at the end of the day in the same way one can't wait for a glass of red.  But how does hulu play into my  personal growth? Surely after a full day I've earned the right to let my mind be numbed for an hour or two, surely that does not stunt my growth.  I grew and grew all day, and now I'm taking a short rest so I can grow and grow again tomorrow. Perhaps.

But after sitting with the bugs the opera I can feel the difference. Soft stimulation that doesn't require attention, allows the days work to sink in, the evolution is embodied. It's like the "enter button". We spend the day coding but unless we hit the enter button, all it is is computer code and not a functional program. 

Hitting enter is my plan for tonight...or will a new episode of Blue Bloods prevail!!!