Sunday, November 2, 2014

Accepting Impermanence

I stand naked in front of the mirror and see a colostomy bag hanging from the left side of my abdomen. 

Coming to terms with this new me I realize has many layers. It is a quick study in the importance and effectiveness of leaving the past behind. It is still not such a quick study in not getting sucked in by the future. 

I find myself thinking back to changing my mind about having this surgery, and thinking back to ease and grace of my daily elimination. This nostalgia subsides before becoming destructive when I remember that this change is irreversible. Then I ponder the future. The high maintenance level of a colostomy, being seen with a bag hanging out my clothing, public uncontrolled gastric gas, being intimate. These thoughts linger longer. My mind still does not have to commit to them yet, so they remain as fear. 

In the meantime these thoughts allow me to philosophize. This colostomy is like a balance allowing me to feel the weight of this experience vs what was and what I think might be. It allows me to feel the weight change of what I thought was important, when I look at my priorities through the magnifying glass of the permanent impermanence I see in the mirror.

I went into this surgery, knowing that having a colostomy will not change anything that I want to do with the rest of my life. I went in knowing that that removing the tumor is critical to my healing. I went in knowing that this remedy to this Cancer situation represents my place in time.  

Now I must heal. I must heal patiently, not quickly so that I can take pride in fast recovery. I must take time and let my wounds and my bladder find their way back to functionality, even if it takes longer then expected. I have plenty of time!!

No comments:

Post a Comment